The Humble Homepage of Christopher Erickson

Unlucky in Love?

Here is my $.02-worth of advice on the subject of love.
I make no claim to mastery of the game.
All of my opinions come via the hotel of heartbreak and the school of hard knocks!


When dating, note how your date talks about his/her parents and how they all interact with each other. 
If they fight, lie and generally abuse each other, that is the kind of relationship you should expect to have
with that person in a serious relationship.

When first married, don't have kids for at least three years.  Most failed marriages fail in that time.  Do you
really want to be tied to your X for the rest of your life because of kids that will be hopelessly caught in the
middle?   Also, divorce without kids is much less painful (and much less expensive) than a divorce where kids
are involved.  And don't forget child support!  Do you really want to give away almost one-half of your
AFTER-TAX income for the next eighteen years?   Lastly, the two of you need those three years to get to
know and accept each other before children are brought into the relationship.

Don't date anyone with a lot more or a lot less education than yourself.   The closer you are to the same
education level, the greater chance for happiness between you.

Don't get serious with anyone, hoping they will change some serious flaw that you just can't live with.  The
odds are that flaw will grow in your mind (if not in real life) until you reach the breaking point.

If you don't smoke, don't date smokers.  If you don't drink, don't date drinkers.  If religion is an important
part of your life, only date within your religion.  If you are not religious, don't date someone who is.

Don't date anyone you couldn't stand to marry.

Especially for people under 30, do not date anyone more than one year older or younger than yourself.

Work hard to make yourself the kind of person that you would want to be married to.

When dating, nothing is more attractive to the opposite sex than kindness, gentle humor and a genuine
interest in them and their welfare.  Forget about trying to impress them.  Just be happy to be alive and
happy to share the wonders of the world.  Don't gossip about other people.  Don't put down other
people, even your competition.

Don't play "hard to get", ever.  Either as playee or player.  It is a dysfunctional activity, based in lies and
fraud.  Just be yourself.  Be honest.  Be considerate.  Be respectful.  Be funny.

You can never take back something hurtful that you say.  Ever.   Every time something hurtful is said, a little
bit of the love dies.   Apologies don't make everything better.  If you hurt them once, they know that you
will do it again.  After a time, nothing is left.  Life is too short to have to keep starting new relationships
because you ruined the last one.

Don't be jealous.  If the other person isn't trustworthy, don't continue the relationship.  You can't own
someone.  Don't try.  If they are really the person for you, there will not be a trust problem to begin with.

Don't bother dating someone who is dating "lots of other people." 
Why subject yourself to the stress?

Be a good listener.  Work hard to understand the position and feelings of the other person.  How much
you demonstrate your willingness to work to understand the feelings of the other, the better your relationship
will be.

Don't continue to date people that are poor listeners.

Don't date people who seem to have a lot of enemies.

Financial responsibility counts for a lot more than you would think.   Learn it and look for it.

Don't hang with people who are hung up on paybacks and evening scores.   Don't do it yourself.

Don't worry about how pretty or handsom your date or spouse is.   Your animal instincts drive you to look
for healthy and beautiful specimens.   Your brain has to struggle to overcome that.  Years later, beauty
will become unimportant.  What will be left will be what beauty that person had inside to begin with.

If the other person tells you that you are suffocating them, they are not the person for you.  Break it off.

If you can wait until you are in your thirties before getting married, the better chance you will have of a
successful marriage.

Compatibility in relationships is largely luck.  The more values and other things you have in common, the better.

Bored with your partner?  Looking for a new relationship so you can get that hormonal rush again?  Grow
up and get smart.   Life is short and as you get older the years start flying by faster and faster.   If you keep
seeking the thrill of new love, you will someday find that nobody (who is worth anything) wants you because
you are old with a lousy track record.   Rediscover love with the one you are with.  They should be your
best friend first and foremost.  Once you have that part figured out, everything will fall into place.  This is
that slippery magic ingredient that so many people never manage to figure out and find.

How someone handles pain and adversity is important to know.  When they have a cold or flu, do they
turn nasty?  Really nasty?  Good thing to know.  Look for someone who can maintain their sense of humor
and cheerfulness, even when in pain.  And how about you?

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